Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
