i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize