It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
