I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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