My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
