I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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