Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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