just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
