i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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