Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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