she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
