Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
