How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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