you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
