Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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