I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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