NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize