i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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