cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
