Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
