I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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