your parents love me but you hate me
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
