A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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