Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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