This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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