a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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