When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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