they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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