I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
