Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Someone shattered a urinal.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
