Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
