im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
