Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
