I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
there is glitter all over my balls
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
