Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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