I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
