Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
