i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
