It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
