watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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