When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He is an equal opportunity slut.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
