I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
