Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize