Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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