Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
