I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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