New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
