I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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