one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
