Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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