There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This is the high leading the old right now
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
