My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize