Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize