You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
