I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
