I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
