I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
