I'm jealous of your bromance
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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