is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
