His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just found puke in my bra..
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
