i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
